“How did we get here?”
“How did we get here?
Things between us used to be good. So good. And now we can’t stop fighting.”
If you’ve ever thought this, you’re not alone. But it’s not because all relationships are doomed to fail—and it’s definitely not a mystery how you got here. More importantly, finding your way out of this kind of doom loop is more concrete and actionable than most people think.
Let’s start with how you got here.
When we enter our adult relationships, we bring with us unique Survival Strategies (SS). “ “Survival Strategies” are just a way of describing what our “go-to” behaviors are when we feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. These strategies usually originate in childhood or early adulthood, and at the time, they were likely very useful.
Here are some common examples:
You grew up with volatile parents who fought a lot, and often took their emotional distress out on the kids. You learned to avoid the conflict, withdraw, be the peacemaker, be sure to not rock the boat, yell louder, fight harder, confide in others that will help you, etc (all different survival strategies) as a way to minimize your distress and discomfort.
Maybe you grew up in a household where emotional expression wasn’t welcomed—where feelings were minimized, ignored, or even mocked. You might have learned to shut down your emotions, stay quiet, keep things to yourself, or pretend everything was fine, even when it wasn’t. As an adult, your default might be to shut down when things get tense or to avoid talking about feelings altogether.
Or maybe you had to take on a caretaker role early on—always being the responsible one, the helper, the one who had it together. You learned that your needs weren’t as important, and that love was something you had to earn by being useful, dependable, or low-maintenance. Now, in your adult relationships, you might struggle to ask for help, downplay your needs, or feel resentful when you’re doing all the emotional labor.
In addition to the survival strategies you picked up during these formative years (anytime you feel vulnerable/uncomfortable/stressed you do X), these experiences cultivated beliefs/mottos you carry into your adult relationships.
‘‘It’s dangerous to be angry’’
“It’s better to just keep the peace”
‘‘Always be strong and don’t show your weakness”
“No matter what happens, I’ll be okay.”
“You can only depend on yourself”
Our Survival Strategies, so helpful and necessary in childhood/early adulthood, usually have to evolve in adult relationships. If they don’t, you’ll likely end up in a doom loop where no resolution feels possible and the fights continue,
Vulnerabilities are those inescapable human experiences we all face. They might include loss, abandonment, abuse, betrayal, humiliation, injustice, rejection, neglect, feeling insecure, disempowered, unprotected, or inadequate, etc.
All kids will experience some vulnerability. And they find a way to cope with it as best they can. It’s part of the beauty and resilience of our humanity. However, when vulnerabilities are triggered in an adult relationship, they can have a profound and often surprising impact on us — like old wounds that are still tender to the touch. Once the vulnerability is triggered, the original survival strategies often make an appearance as well.
When couples get really stuck, it’s usually that something has happened that has triggered a vulnerability in one or both partners.
The survival strategy that partner A uses to help themselves feel safer when they are feeling vulnerable (withdrawing, yelling, taking over, deflecting, etc) can inadvertently trigger the vulnerabilities of partner B. Then partner B’s survival strategies make an appearance, which further entrenches partner A’s feelings of vulnerability.
This is what the doom loop looks like.
Let’s look at an example:
Alex and Jordan have been fighting more lately. The fights usually start small—Jordan asks Alex to help more around the house. But before long, it escalates into a full-blown argument, with Alex feeling criticized and Jordan feeling completely unheard.
Here’s what’s actually happening beneath the surface:
Jordan grew up in a home where their needs were often ignored. They learned to speak up loudly, push hard, and become fiercely self-reliant. Their vulnerability is feeling invisible or unsupported—and their survival strategy is to take control, repeat themselves, escalate the intensity to get through.
Alex, on the other hand, grew up in a household where anger often led to yelling, door slamming, or long periods of silence. Their vulnerability is feeling attacked or like conflict will blow up at any second—and their survival strategy is to shut down, withdraw, or do whatever it takes to keep the peace.
So when Jordan gets louder to be heard, Alex pulls away. And when Alex pulls away, Jordan gets louder. Neither partner is wrong—they’re just stuck in a loop, both trying to protect themselves the only way they know how. But their strategies are unintentionally triggering each other’s deepest sensitivities.
This is the doom loop.
Getting out of the doom loop - And getting back to the good stuff.
The good news is, couples aren’t doomed to repeat the same painful patterns forever. With awareness, concrete and practical adjustments, and practice, anyone can move from a doom loop into a growth cycle—a new pattern where moments of vulnerability and conflict actually strengthen the relationship instead of tearing it apart. Here’s how:
Step 1: Zoom out and stop focusing on how much your partner is screwing things up. You are not in this situation because they won’t stop doing X, or if they would only do Y, things would be perfectly fine. Doom loops are co-created, with each person having a moment of vulnerability/feeling scared/uncomfortable/etc, and responding to their own experiences in self protective ways that activate the vulnerabilities in their partner. And round and round you go.
Step 2: Adopt a team mentality. Relationships are a team sport, and you get where you wanna go faster when you work together.
Step 3: Get crystal clear about what are the vulnerabilities being activated in each partner, and what survival strategies are being utilized to cope with these feelings. Map them out like the example above. Get the help of a therapist to do this if need be.
Step 4: Attend to the vulnerabilities, while challenging the defensive behavior. Holding these two things at the same time is very hard, and folks can really benefit from having a therapist support this part of the process. Attending to vulnerabilities can include hearing out a partner's fears, previous experiences of pain, offering comfort, reassurance, empathy, etc. As we do this, we also challenge the automatic behavior that springs from the survival skills. This is essentially us saying, “Your pain is real and we see it. We want to make your day to day experience better but how you’re responding is making your relationship worse. Let’s find another way.”
Step 5: Mapping out options. Just like we mapped out the vulnerability cycle above, it’s essential to map out what the growth cycle can look like. This gives each partner a blueprint for when a vulnerability is triggered, what else can they do other than kick off the doom loop. Obviously, this requires a degree of emotional awareness and slowing down reaction times. Is it easy? Hell no. But it’s the path that allows conflict to fuel growth—both in yourself and in your relationship.
Growth Cycle Example — Alex and Jordan (Housework Conflict)
Jordan feels overwhelmed by all the housework piling up. Instead of bottling it up and then exploding, Jordan takes a moment to check in with their own feelings.
(Internal: "I'm feeling overwhelmed and I don't want to sound attacking. I just need to rebalance tasks between ust.")Jordan approaches Alex calmly and vulnerably, saying:
"Hey, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with everything at home lately. Could we figure out a way to adjust how to delegate housework a bit more?"Alex feels the difference in Jordan’s approach — there's no criticism, just a clear bid for change.
Alex notices his first instinct to feel defensive... but instead of snapping, he pauses and reminds himself:
(Internal: "This isn't an attack. Jordan just needs us to work together differently.")Alex responds:
"I didn’t realize how much you were carrying. Thanks for telling me. Let’s figure it out together."Together, they come up with a small, specific plan for adjusting how they are sharing tasks — nothing huge or overwhelming.
Maybe Alex agrees to take over dishes and trash every night, and Jordan feels lighter immediately.Both partners feel heard, respected, and more connected after the conversation.
The trust grows: Jordan feels safer asking for help next time without fear of conflict, and Alex feels safer knowing he won't be attacked when issues come up.
Quick visual:
Growth Cycle for Alex and Jordan (Housework Issue):
Vulnerability (overwhelm) →
Name it without blame →
Respond with curiosity, not defensiveness →
Problem-solve together →
Strengthen trust and teamwork
Key differences from the doom loop:
Jordan expresses needs early and vulnerably (not after resentment builds).
Alex self-regulates his defensiveness and listens instead of shutting down.
They repair the disconnection quickly, before it spirals.
Growth Cycle
Step 6: Practice makes progress. If we do this well, our vulnerabilities feel less intense and our survival strategies evolve and soften over time. But they rarely disappear all together. This isn’t a process of instant change and just do these 6 steps and nothing will ever bother you again. This is about slow consistent relentless growth. It gets easy as time goes on, but the sensitive parts of you will always need extra care and support. And that’s okay. This is how we grow with another person over time. Caring for ourselves and the sensitive parts of their soul. It’s a part of what makes loving and doing life with another person such an honor. Relationships are a people growing machine if we let them. And in this slow deliberate work, we get to see the true resilience of our humanity.